...If it's guilt, then I am

It was around 8 on a Saturday evening. I was watching television and Michael, my seven year old son, was in front of the computer playing online games. Suddenly, the computer's screen turned black, then it flickered continuously like it went into a frenzy mode. I hurriedly got up and tried to close all programs but since the images were moving so fast and continuously, there wasn't much that I could do. I pressed the power button on the tower hoping to save some of the programs. and when I turned it on to check its status, my desktop was gone. Everything was just black.

Panic started to creep on my bones. I was barely 5 day old on my new job as a home-based call center agent, and my shift was to start at 10 that evening. Out of frustration, I looked at Michael and screamed "What have you done?!" I picked up my slippers and hit him over and over, venting out all the frustrations I have kept in my heart for a long time. Pictures of his past odiousness flipped through my mind. I hit bottom. I was screaming at him telling him how evil he was, that I had to give up my previous job because of him and how he caused us a lot of humiliation. I shoved him to the door and told him that I don't want him in my life anymore.

Michael sobbed incessantly, until he peed on his pants.

I couldn't bear the sight . I felt so depleted that I just turned my back on him and headed to my room. I lay down on my bed. I was trembling.

I cannot remember how long I stayed lying down.

And when I finally collected myself, I went back in front of the computer. Michael was still standing there where I left him.

I never looked at him. I was still unsure how I felt about him until I heard a tiny voice:

"Mama, I'm sorry..."

It was filled with so much regret...so much pain...and so much fear.

He was so scared, yet he was brave enough to utter those words.

You can lose all your sanity, but you will never lose your heart that goes to your child.

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